Blue Light Special on Breast Scaffolds & Skull Pegs!

Attention ladies! I said attention! Blue light special from the FDA! For those of you who feel larger breasts are a MUST to get ahead in our hurly-burly, hustly-bustly world, there’s good news. It seems that researchers have discovered that they can remove a tissue sample from a woman’s thigh or abdomen and use it to grow additional cells, which they can then implant into your breasts! But wait, there’s more!

They will implant these growing cells in a biodegradable breast-shaped SCAFFOLD. It’s true! The scaffold is then (hopefully) metabolized within a few weeks while the cells multiply and mature into real breast tissue. These cells will fill the space left for them by the scaffolding and then SOMEHOW know when to stop growing. This is what scientists expect, at least. That these cells will SOMEHOW know when to stop growing.

Excuse me, but how? Granted, I may not know much about science (or breasts, actually), but this strikes me as, well, SCARY. What happens if they DON’T “somehow” know when to stop growing? Will doctors then inject little cell army men into the breasts to track down the out-of-control growth cells and kill them? Will they use tiny cell nuclear weapons? What a great excuse this gives a woman for those nights she’s not up to being pawed by her husband.

“Please, honey, not tonight. My new cells have overrun their scaffolding and are currently being beaten back by an army of containment cells. Ooooooh!! Excuse me.”

The flip side to this is that men will be all over this advancement like.....well.....like manipulated thigh cells on biodegradable breast scaffolding. And you know where they’ll want theirs. “Take some of these beer gut cells and slap some scaffolding on to my little buddy and turn ‘em loose in there, kay doc?” And will the guy be upset if the cells don’t “somehow” know when to stop growing? Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Um, I mean, possibly.

Now, if the thought of uncontrollable cells enlarging parts of your body isn’t scary enough, there’s something even better; and this one IS for men (who, of course, by birthright deserve the better of everything). We all know that for every woman who wants larger breasts there is a man who wants more hair. So they try minoxidil, hairpieces, implants, transplants, and yes even those spray cans if they can afford them.

But now, instead, they can have tiny metal pegs imbedded into their skulls!! It’s true. A cosmetic surgeon in......no, wrong! NOT in Los Angeles! A cosmetic surgeon in New York has come up with a SNAP-ON hairpiece. After Dr. Frankenstein inserts these little metal pegs into your head, you wait a scant three months for the skin and BONE to grow back and then you can have a hairpiece to just “snap on” to the pegs. Words fail me. Almost. I mean, I had thought the skull bone does not just simply grow back; is that not right? I barely got C’s in Science.

So, anyway, the doctor says that for the first several months it will feel like somebody has nailed a nail into your head (Ouch! Remember what THAT feels like?). But then you’ll get used to it. Kind of like the way you get used to having your breasts grow uncontrollably, I guess.

Fortunately, with all of the other, equally appalling, hairpiece options available to men, I can’t see this one becoming too popular. And, of course, what happens in airports? Or when you walk through a field of loose, extremely heavy, but still easily flyable through the air magnets? These are only two examples of why a scientist can never get a date. They’ve got it all backwards. What they should be working on are snap-on breasts and uncontrollably growing hair. I mean, if your hair keeps growing (duh, like REAL hair does) you just go get it cut. And for the woman who decided later that she didn’t like having larger breasts after all, she could just UN-SNAP THEM! If I weren’t so busy dating, I’d become a scientist myself and help to rectify this matter. In the meantime, countless poor souls will undoubtedly fall for these new wonder “improvements.”

After all, the woman with the small breasts--who is padding her bra--wants the “real” thing so that she can get the cute guy who, at the same time, is wearing a hairpiece while saving up for a better one so that he can then land the woman with the padded bra. Of course once each of them gets their respective “improvements” they then decide that they can set their sights higher and continue remaking themselves until they hit 50 and all of the tinkering boomerangs on them and they end up with the very first person they were chasing after, bitterly cursing their bad luck for “having to settle.”