Bob Dole & the Price of Bull Semen

Blogging has made me look through my older writing, and I had to share this one just for the weirdness of the bull catalog. This was written around 2001:


I must be on every junk mail list in the country, and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE. Oh, I know other people say, “Oh, look at me, poor me, I’m on so many junk mail lists!” But what they really mean to say is, “Oh, look at me, poor me, I’m on almost as many junk mail lists as David Wallace.”

What has landed me on so many lists, I think, is cross-pollination. That, or someone is having a great deal of fun at my expense. Which I can respect; don’t get me wrong. Some of the best fun you can have is usually at someone else’s expense--not a pretty fact of life, but as those boozy old smoking redheaded waitresses say in shithole diners, "Life ain’t always pretty, ain’tcha mama ever told ya that?"

Anyway, you know how when you subscribe to certain types of magazines, you then get all kinds of junk from similarly-aligned groups and what not? Like, you subscribe to “Mother Jones,” and you start getting stuff from the ACLU, the Sierra Club, Greenpeace, etc. You subsribe to “National Review” and you start getting stuff from the NRA, Charlton Heston, and those Michigan Militia groups.


Anyway again, I used to belong to the former category solely, and got lots and lots of fun stuff; at least what I considered fun stuff. Then, either someone read the little “D” on my voter’s registaration card as an “R” or, as I mentioned earlier, someone decided to have a little fun with me , coz I was suddenly getting stuff from BOTH sides of the fence.

Guns & Ammo catalogs. Trial subscriptions to conservative magazines so unspeakably vile they burned my hands. Invitations to join the NRA. Letters from Bob Dole! As most of you know, my “political sympathies” lie somewhat to the left of Ted Kennedy; so I was quite distressed by this recent twist to my junk mail woes.


I mean, sure, it’s fun filling Bob Dole’s business reply envelope with sand and sending it back to him to pay the mailing costs; but once you’ve crossed into the land of getting mail from both sides, you seem to hit junk mail warp speed and stuff flies out of your mailbox like, well, like hateful epithets flying out of Bob Dole’s mouth.

I also get those fun puzzles from clearing houses. “Add these three columns of numbers in this ‘skill’ test and you can win $10 gazillion dollars! And it’s okay to use a calculator!! Reply within ten years and you’ll get this pewter armadillo ABSOLUTELY FREE (all you pay is the $9.95 shipping and handling charges).”


But the best came today. The best came in a large manilla envelope with a return address from a place called ABS. I thought I was getting some wonder booklet, “free just for ordering,” on how to get one of those stomachs-of-death everyone but me seems to have these days.


I couldn’t POSSIBLY have been more off.


ABS in this case stands for the American Breeders Society. At first, I thought, “Mom will be so pleased,” but then I saw what was inside. A brochure listing “Fall 2001 Beef Semen Prices;" the 2001 Holstein AND Protein Breeds Sire Directories; a Dairy Semen Price List; and, best of all, the “2001 Beef Sire Directory.” This last item is like a yearbook for cows. Excuse me, BULLS. It’s filled with pictures and bios of the ABS “Superior Sire Lineup.” Of course the photos of these fine potential-sire specimens comes AFTER the shot of the family of four gathered around the dining room table at home about to enjoy a big steak dinner (“Mom, who are we eating tonight,” asks Junior, flipping through the 2001 beef sire directory, “Sir Duke’s son or Flying Magnum’s daughter?”)


Let me stress that I am not lying. The 2001 Beef Sire Directory lists the potential sire’s name, stats, and “plusses.” The names are fun; like racehorses. We have Spade Flush, Merlin, Stemwinder, Bootjack, and Performer.


Performer.


Could you ask for a better name for a sire? Also, just like in the yearbook when they mention your accomplishments (Glee Club, Editor of the School Paper, Class Clown, etc.) and run fun quotes under your photo like “Still Waters Run Deep,” The 2001 Beef Sire Directory lists little extras and plusses for each potential sire.


For instance, High Time “sires stylish calves”; FCC Epinal has “extra muscle with good eye appeal”; the owners of Husker suggest him for “use on small to medium sized cows” (???); fortunately, the owners of the sire Iose promises to “sire correct feet and legs” (whew!); from Black Hockeye you’re promised that “daughters have excellent udders and small teat size”; and, for all of you Republicans out there who are sire hunting, Skyway promises “pigmentation and CONSERVATIVE markings”!! (emphasis mine).


But if *I* were choosing a sire, I’d have to go with Coirneal. Not only does this bull have long hair, making him look kind of like a wooly mammoth without the trunk, he is sired by the popular bull, Jock 26th of Leys!


But wait, there’s more!

His maternal grandsire is used in the queen's own herd! Awesome! Sign me up (as soon as I find a cow that needs a sire, that is--where's that teacher I hated now, when I need her?).


Needless to say, after receiving a gem like this in the mail, I am no longer quite so upset over being on so many junk mail lists. In fact, I’m hoping to do a little cross-pollinating of my own in regards to the mail I’m getting. For instance, maybe I can forward Bob Dole’s next letter on to ABS and they can find him a nice sire. Perhaps Rocky, who is “recommended for mature cows only.”

Scum of the Earth: Baby Boomers & Tourists

Okay, down chicos, I'm just playin' - a little. :)

One thing I don't miss about living in Petaluma (coming soon: the top ten things I miss about Petaluma--as soon as I can think of 10!) and working in Marin, is/was the Marin & Sonoma Co. drivers. NO concept whatsoever of the usage of the left/passing lane (psssst, I just gave you a hint!), WAY too brake heavy--hello? let up on the accelerator and you'll slow down, as well!

Most all of them generally drive in one of two modes: Timid and Panic.

I'm generalizing, of course, but the other thing I noticed about the drivers "up there," is the bad ones were all like late 50s and up--you know, the effing Baby Boomers (of which I am, admittedly, on the "cusp" of). Either that, or the driver was talking on his/her cell--because, for some reason, that law doesn't apply to them--and despite their swerving and 30 mph driving on the highway, oh no, it doesn't distract them.

Confession: I have to admit this is one time I hope there is a heaven and hell and that there is a special "level" in hell for those who have caused an accident while messing with their cell. It'd be on the level below mean and hateful customers, but above Dubya. Word.

Anyway, the other thing these old drivers do is OHMYGODITSASLIGHTBENDINTHEROADIBETTER SLOWDOWNANDSLAMONTHEBRAKES


Which, of course, provides you with the opportunity to see the truly skilled ones incorporate timidity and panic at the same time!

Or substitute "slight rise or hill" for "bend in the road" above. Repeat.


I mean, I know people get more cautious when they're older, but can't they be cautious out of my way? Dammit, why won't they just get out of my way? Discuss.


So having escaped those old people in Marin/Sonoma, I now get the joy of "interacting" with tourists. Driving tourists. The movie would be, "Driving Miss Davey Crazy."

The two modes that the tourists drive in, are, of course, Timid and Panic.

Can't we just stop them on the outskirts of the City, find out what all they were going to do, what level hotel they were planning on staying in, etc., and then just take the equivalent amont of money from them, give them a few t-shirts, and then they go back home??


Poll time!


J/K

How "The Reader" is like "I Love You, Man"

So, wow, I "finally" "broke down" and saw "The Reader" after picking it up from Blockbuster when they didn't have the 2nd disc from the 1st season of "Mad Men." They had the 1st and the 3rd discs, but oh no, not the 2nd coz someone in Petaluma was out to get me before I moved!

Anyway, I can see why Kate Winslet won the Oscar. In an odd way, it reminded me of, no kidding, Paul Rudd's performance in "I Love You, Man." Both portrayed someone struggling with an inability to "connect" on some level--and watching the both of them in, admittedly, wildly different roles struggle with who they are and/or were was often very painful to watch.

A bit of a stretch, I know, but I can't help it, that's what I thought of.

But it's obvious that Stephen Daldry, the director, is aiming for the title of "Most Heartwrenching" what with this, The Hours, and Billy Elliot.

So I'll really be curious to see what he does with "The Amazing Adventures of Cavalier & Clay."

Anyway again, would be curious to hear back from folks who've seen this movie with their thoughts about what "The Reader" says about morality, and if--SPOILER ALERT--you would have done the same thing as the boy and turned around and walked out of the prison w/o seeing her. And, most importantly, what did you think of her in the end?

Although the movie was VERY painful to watch at times, I'm one of those people who likes being taken out of his comfort zone, who likes having his "code" and concepts of morality challenged. It's part of why I like "Dexter" so much!

Hmmm, I feel a poll coming on...

I kinda think that what happened in Nazi Germany was SO. VERY. BIZARRE. that it is nearly impossible for us today to judge the "everyday citizens" who failed to do.......what exactly? It's easy to look back and see how horrible it was, but how will we be judged for allowing the things to happen that did under Dubya? And NO, I am not directly comparing Hitler to Dubya.

Not directly. :)

Besides, on the other hand, I kinda feel like the guy in the law seminar who was screeching at Michael and the Professor that, no, we don't need to know why they did what they did, we need to know how "you" could let them get away with what they did and why you didn't kill yourself once you found out. Oooh, snap!

This same young German law student, in the mid-60s, claimed in the movie that not only were there thousands of camps throughout Germany, but that everyone, everyone (his emphasis) knew. I would be curious to know how true this is. I confess to having this naive fantasy that a good chunk of Germans didn't know so very much about what was going on, but is that just to protect my own moral sensibilities as a fellow human being?

It's bad enough when individuals, and governments, composed of "human beings," commit atrocities--it's almost inconceivable when an entire nation does. Hard stuff.

Poll on how comfortable you are with being taken out of your comfort zone:

http://www.micropoll.com/akira/mpview/644733-195723

Coming soon: Why I think Baby Boomers should lose their drivers licenses, and is it too soon for me to be bitching about the tourists? :)

Asterios Polyp

NOTE TO MY BOOK CLUB: I am going to be talking about this book when we meet, so you should skip this posting coz I'd like it to be a surprise. The book is that funky.

Okay, I just finished reading this graphic novel I read a rave review on some months ago in "Entertaiment Weekly" called, as you may have guessed by now "Asterios Polyp." (Question of the day: do you feel you know the rules for italicizing and/or underlining and/or putting in quotes the names of books/magazines/newspapers/etc.? And if you do or don't, do you think it's important enuf to get it right that I should have googled to confirm how right or wrong I was in my usage? Discuss.)

Anyway, wanted to offer a quick review:


LOVE. IT.


It has the best ending of anything I've ever read. Word.

Would like to hear back from comic book and graphic novel fans if you've heard of this or read it, and if it's as truly "avant-garde" as I read in reviews?

Reviews/Synopsis:

http://www.amazon.com/Asterios-Polyp-David-Mazzucchelli/product-reviews/0307377326/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

Spicing Up The Supreme Court (The Boring Branch)

How many of you know, w/o googling, the names of all the Supreme Court Justices? Stop to think & count before reading further...and then remember your number for a poll at the end.

Now granted, I was stoned when I first asked myself this question--in an e-mail to my friend Brian wherein I shared a fantasy that Sotormayor would actually turn out to be very liberal (in her future rulings).

But then also, suddenly (cue dramatic music like this from Drama Prairie Dog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHjFxJVeCQs), Clarence Thomas falls in love with her, and in a misguided attempt to court her (no pun intended, but certainly appreciated now), begins voting as she does.

But to make the fantasy complete, Scalia would have to die in a police shoot-out, as he's caught selling crack in DC to his hooker (I almost made this MUCH more NC-17--email me if you'd like to hear my alternate version of what happens to Scalia).

Anyway, I then thought, so if we got rid of Scalia, and had Thomas voting with Sotormayor, that would just leave Roberts as the worst. At least Kennedy is not awful, and we still have Ginsburg. But after those, I couldn't recall the current remaining three.

I found Stephen Breyer's name when I googled Ginsburg to make sure I spelled it right. But even then, in the brief time it took me to write two sentences, I forgot his name and had to go back to the other tab/page to find it again. Even as I'm typing this, I'm thinking, "Wait, is Stephen Breyer really a Supreme Court Justice?" All I can think of is ice cream.

Oh god, Alito! How could I forget him? I just this second asked myself after googling again. And, finally, as for John Paul Stevens, I actually thought of him but then "remembered" he was dead, so...

Which begs the question: Is it "bad" I thought that about John Paul Stevens? Discuss.

Also, let's try another poll to compare how many justices people could recall. Go here:

http://www.micropoll.com/akira/mpview/644733-195149

COMING SOON: Asterios Polyp! (the what you say!)

Streetwalkers

So one of the things I like about my apartment is that I am almost at street level. The almost is critical coz, rather than being eye to eye and them able to see in to my apartment, I am right over their heads--and I've got big windows that actually open, so I can kind of sit/lean out and see/spy on (if it's possible to "spy" on someone in public) the most amazing collection of people.

I think this is one of the coolest things about living in San Francisco--although there are definitely other cities that have this aspect as well--the sheer diversity of people you see/meet. I just looked out on to Hyde for about 5 minutes and saw seniors, individuals, couples, threesomes, every age spectrum except the very young, at least a half dozen different races/ethnicities, etc.

But what's even more interesting to me, is the people who stand out, for whatever reason, to you. For example, although there were many more flamboyant and/or loud and/or otherwise noticeable folks, the two that stood out to me the most were:

A grey-haired older man, probably in his late sixties, in a gray sweater and gray slacks and walking a gray terrier and/or miniature schnauzer. I think, obviously, the gray combo made him noticeable, coz he was otherwise very nondescript, just kind of trudging along with his dog. But I became curious as to what his life was like and started almost immediately down a macabre, unpleasant path that I kinda just forced myself to stop considering. Again,I blame it on the gray. The movie of his life, whatever it is, would definitely be filmed solely in shades of gray.

The other group I noticed most was a threesome--two guys and a girl. They looked very "European," all attractive, one of the guys was wearing shorts (! - had to be in the 50s by this point, but maybe I'm just a wuss). Anyway, interestingly, to me, they spoke both English and some unintelligible language that sounded possibly Scandinavian. Yeah, it was like a Mentos commercial. Check out these two; the first one is a spoof using footage from a JCVD movie or Chuck Norris show or something:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_IAb_XmVa8

and this one starts off kinda slow, but is totally bizarrely funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCQ-fsfKgxQ

So anyway, I'd be curious to hear from others when you next people watch who stands out to you, and why. And for anyone who wants to make up a story using for main characters either of the two that stood out for me, based on the brief description I gave above, I'll give them a cool prize (well, I think anyone that reads my blog would think it's cool--but be warned: it is rather subversive--and Brian, you know you're already on enough lists!)

Back in the City

So "Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom!" relates primarily to me being back in San Francisco (after a 7-year hiatus) and living alone for the first time in 7 years, with my son Kyle getting his own place the same weekend (due, admittedly, in no small part to vigorous pushing by me).

And while I'm totally psyched to be back in the City, I do miss that boy already, so let's hear it for "Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom!"

The title also pays homage to Gary Larson, of "Far Side" fame, who I know has a cartoon with either this exact line or one that is VERY close in meaning. Anyway, I didn't know until I just googled him that "The Far Side" started in the San Francisco Chronicle. Click below for that bio page I found--this is on the beta version of NNDB, which could turn out to be a cool/useful site; also on that bio, fans of his cartoons will surely smile when they see what Laron's parents' names are! :)

http://www.nndb.com/people/281/000022215/

Finally, the title of the blog ties in with my general cynicism regarding the way America is run these days. The fact that we have the Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom! to re-elect Dubya is ironic, at best.

Anyway, I wanted to start this blog with an obervation/question. I'm doing this blog partly to be trendy and I've always thought it made sense since I like to write. You know, write stuff like sense since. But I also have been VERY lax in keeping up any semblance of a personal journal, which I used to do regularly and highly recommend not only for its therapeutic properties, but for your own amusement years later. Trust me on this one: no matter how boring you think your life is right now, check your journal in ten years and you'll be like, "WTF?" Word.

Okay, but my actual observation is this: I'm kinda thinking my experience with living in so many different cities/states is a little unique--trying to make myself feel special. But then you always hear about how mobile this country is. But then again you hear that weird statistic about 75% of people dying within 10 miles of where were born.

So I'd like to hear back from people about how many places they've lived--not actual homes, mind you, just cities/states. I'd also be curious to know how unique you think you are in this regard; or how typical.

Also have a little poll so we can see what actually is typical. Please share this with as many folks as possible to see what kind of breakdown we get.

Anyway, I'm also thinking that I just love city life, and that there will be some really cool goings on and doings for me to yap about. And if no one else ends up reading it, at least I get something to go "WTF?" over in about 10 years. :)

So here's a link to the poll and a cool site if you're interested in doing polls. For some reason, I can't get the actual poll imported here like they say you can, but then, I'm probably doing something wrong and am too lazy to figure out what.

http://www.micropoll.com/akira/mpview/644733-195126


COMING SOON: An old man and his terrier! Or is it schnauzer? PLUS: a threesome from some "furren" place!!