As my dad celebrates a milestone birthday, I'm reminded of the people who bemoan the fact that the dead don't get to hear all the awesome things people wait to say about them at their funerals. So with that in mind, here's what I'd say and am saying now to make sure he knows!
There are two "macro" things I think about when reflecting on what makes my dad so awesome. Number one may seem like a simple one to many: he was just there. Consistent, reliable, dependable. Not in and out of jail like my birth dad was (and with whom I spent the first 10 years of my life--along with birth mom), and not absent even when he was home--like being out drinking or partying. There was no domestic violence like I'd experienced the first 10 years of my life in the birth home, no abuse, etc.
I probably didn't realize it at the time--at least consciously--but it was comforting to know that every day, around 4:30, he'd come home in his pickup, drop his empty lunch pail off in the kitchen, ditch the blue uniform he wore every day to his job at Southwest Electric to take a shower. Then relaxing from the day for a bit, reading the paper, before we all sat down to dinner. I know NOW--especially after the foster care and adoptive care trainings I did--that this is HUGE for a child. To know that you can count on a parent to be there, to not be crazy or violent or abusive, to work hard to support the family, etc. WAY too many kids don't have this, never had this. And having not had it for many years, I can tell you for sure it's better to have it!
The second "macro" thing I think about is how he was a product of his times, but also "grew" like so many men of his generation did not. My dad came of age in a time when men just weren't that demonstrative or affectionate with kids--esp boys. Even if they were good fathers otherwise, they didn't do the "mushy mom" stuff like saying "I love you" or shower you with hugs and kisses all the time. And, again, considering what I'd dealt with before, I didn't even think about this or miss it. My mom and grandma were always plenty affectionate, and I accepted that my dad loved me in a "dad way" - which was fine.
But then my kid sister Angel came along. And, even way back then when she was little - 30+ years ago! (Angel, you're so old!) - it was much more "acceptable" for dads to be affectionate and demonstrative with their little girls. So it was great to see him be able to do this, to let his inherently loving nature be on display for this adorable little munchkin, who I might add was adopted out of foster care--another testament to my dad's (and mom's!) loving and giving nature.
A few years later, my kid brother (also adopted) Mikey came along. I remember distinctly being home for Christmas one year when Mikey was maybe 3 or 4 years old. I was in the dining room with my dad, and Mikey was on his lap, doing something toddler adorableish and my dad looked down at him and with so much affection in his voice and eyes said to him, "I sure do love you!" I was, admittedly, taken aback. I had never heard him say that to another male human being. But I also remember thinking how cool that he felt "safe" enough or whatever you want to call it to say that; again, keep in mind, my dad was born way back in the 40s. Most men of his generation just didn't say "I love you" to boys - even their own sons. But it goes to show how he rose above those stupid gender restrictions, and let his love show more openly.
And now, as "Papa," he's everything he was as a dad and more. Reliable, consistent, available, and loving--and not afraid to show it like a real man should be! I can't even imagine what my life would be like now if he hadn't stepped in with my mom to take me in, to keep me safe, to support and love me, and provide me with everything I needed to be the man I am today. Thanks, dad!
8/4/17
4/25/17
Back in the U.S. of A.
So I was in Africa for 2.5 years and never got a bad cold. Back in the states two months, and I get this wicked cough cold thing going around. Ugh.
Beyond that, it's great to be back in San Francisco. Yes, great to be back in SF - as for the country as a whole, errrr, not so much. But I don't think THAT needs to be discussed BEYOND MY ALREADY NEAR-CONSTANT WHINING ABOUT IT! :)
Having been abroad for 4 years, the biggest thing that has struck me since I've been back is the sheer diversity - of food, of people, of entertainment options, etc. Americans are really, REALLY spoiled! The first time I went to the big Safeway on Church & Market, I was literally paralyzed by choices and the sheer quantity of stuff available. I seriously had to leave just coz I couldn't deal with all the different things/brands/etc. Reminded ME of the (deleted) scene in "Borat" where he's asking a store clerk "What is this?" "Cheese." "And this?" "Cheese." "How about this?" "Yes, that's cheese, too." And he literally went through every different brand of cheese, different options (sliced, shredded, block), etc. for like 5 minutes solid. I have since adjusted, but still get a bit overwhelmed sometimes.
I much more quickly adjusted to the myriad dining options. It's just, whatever I'm in the mood for - and I can probably get it within 3 blocks or delivered within 30-40 minutes. Even just the Mexican choices in the Mission District! I've probably had about 10,000 tacos since I've been back - which is kind of weird in and of itself as I "traditionally" just went with a burrito back in the day. But beyond all the different Mexican places at which I've eaten since I've been back, and all the American, I have also had Chinese multiple times (Szechuan, Hunan, and Mandarin), Thai, Belgian, Guatemalan, Salvadoran, Italian, French, German, and probably something I'm forgetting.
And the views! One of my favorite things about San Francisco is how when you're roaming around the City, you'll turn a corner, or crest a hill, and then BAM! Amazing view! No city in the world, with the possible exception of Paris, can top San Francisco in this regard. Between the hills, the bridges, the water, the architecture, it's just amazing.
Another observation: The City's biggest hotelier doesn't own a hotel (airbnb) and The City's biggest taxi company doesn't own any taxis (Uber). The absence of yellow cabs on the streets is striking. But it's balanced out by the now even more pervasive smell of marijuana all throughout the City. The new "high end" pot dispensary I go to is a whole other blog post in and of itself. It's a trip!
And the crazies! Talk about your mixed blessing. San Francisco has always had their share of "colorful" characters" - and has also long struggled with homelessness. But it is to this nation's (and not just San Francisco's) ongoing shame that we have yet to address the horrific dismantling of our mental health safety net undertaken by St. Reagan so long ago.
Was walking to BART a couple weeks ago when a young woman, maybe mid 20s, approached me walking in the opposite direction. She looked like any young worker drone, dressed casually, but clean, totally "normal" looking, etc. I smiled politely at her as we walked toward each other on the sidewalk and just before she reached me, she leaned down and snatched up a clean, blank, large piece of heavy stock paper that was on the sidewalk, and then tore into it with her teeth, chewing ferociously. My first response was to laugh - it was so sudden and unexpected. I turned to watch her happily continuing down the street, tearing into that paper and eating it. I shook my head and laughed at the sheer absurdity - and then immediately felt sad that this woman probably needed serious help that she may never receive. Sigh.
And yeah, the subway here still sucks some times, but still it's VERY nice to be back in a city where I don't have to drive, park, etc. My apt. is literally one black away from the underground, six blocks from the regional subway (BART), and I can get to SO many places just by walking a block, hopping on a subway, and then walking one more block (Trader Joe's!). Convenience and diversity.
Speaking of the diversity, it's also incredible from a human being standpoint - and not just from a 'look at all the brands of jelly!' standpoint. I'd been back about a week and was riding on BART, when I just happened to look around me and noticed the half dozen or so people in my immediate vicinity were all different races, ages, economic backgrounds, etc. An older African-American woman, in her church hat, sat next to a young Asian gangsta wanna be, while across the aisle a young gay guy was sitting next to a big Latina. Across from me an interracial couple were cooing at their mixed race infant. Etc.
This is the kind of thing people who don't live with don't appreciate. THIS is what America is - the sheer variety of races, religions, family makeup, etc. It's just cool. And it makes you more empathetic, more understanding of differences, less fear of "the other" and what not. After 2.5 years living where 95%+ of the population was Basotho, and a year before that where everyone was Chinese, and a year+ before that where everyone was white, it's been a trip. But a welcome one!
Beyond that, it's great to be back in San Francisco. Yes, great to be back in SF - as for the country as a whole, errrr, not so much. But I don't think THAT needs to be discussed BEYOND MY ALREADY NEAR-CONSTANT WHINING ABOUT IT! :)
Having been abroad for 4 years, the biggest thing that has struck me since I've been back is the sheer diversity - of food, of people, of entertainment options, etc. Americans are really, REALLY spoiled! The first time I went to the big Safeway on Church & Market, I was literally paralyzed by choices and the sheer quantity of stuff available. I seriously had to leave just coz I couldn't deal with all the different things/brands/etc. Reminded ME of the (deleted) scene in "Borat" where he's asking a store clerk "What is this?" "Cheese." "And this?" "Cheese." "How about this?" "Yes, that's cheese, too." And he literally went through every different brand of cheese, different options (sliced, shredded, block), etc. for like 5 minutes solid. I have since adjusted, but still get a bit overwhelmed sometimes.
I much more quickly adjusted to the myriad dining options. It's just, whatever I'm in the mood for - and I can probably get it within 3 blocks or delivered within 30-40 minutes. Even just the Mexican choices in the Mission District! I've probably had about 10,000 tacos since I've been back - which is kind of weird in and of itself as I "traditionally" just went with a burrito back in the day. But beyond all the different Mexican places at which I've eaten since I've been back, and all the American, I have also had Chinese multiple times (Szechuan, Hunan, and Mandarin), Thai, Belgian, Guatemalan, Salvadoran, Italian, French, German, and probably something I'm forgetting.
And the views! One of my favorite things about San Francisco is how when you're roaming around the City, you'll turn a corner, or crest a hill, and then BAM! Amazing view! No city in the world, with the possible exception of Paris, can top San Francisco in this regard. Between the hills, the bridges, the water, the architecture, it's just amazing.
Another observation: The City's biggest hotelier doesn't own a hotel (airbnb) and The City's biggest taxi company doesn't own any taxis (Uber). The absence of yellow cabs on the streets is striking. But it's balanced out by the now even more pervasive smell of marijuana all throughout the City. The new "high end" pot dispensary I go to is a whole other blog post in and of itself. It's a trip!
And the crazies! Talk about your mixed blessing. San Francisco has always had their share of "colorful" characters" - and has also long struggled with homelessness. But it is to this nation's (and not just San Francisco's) ongoing shame that we have yet to address the horrific dismantling of our mental health safety net undertaken by St. Reagan so long ago.
Was walking to BART a couple weeks ago when a young woman, maybe mid 20s, approached me walking in the opposite direction. She looked like any young worker drone, dressed casually, but clean, totally "normal" looking, etc. I smiled politely at her as we walked toward each other on the sidewalk and just before she reached me, she leaned down and snatched up a clean, blank, large piece of heavy stock paper that was on the sidewalk, and then tore into it with her teeth, chewing ferociously. My first response was to laugh - it was so sudden and unexpected. I turned to watch her happily continuing down the street, tearing into that paper and eating it. I shook my head and laughed at the sheer absurdity - and then immediately felt sad that this woman probably needed serious help that she may never receive. Sigh.
And yeah, the subway here still sucks some times, but still it's VERY nice to be back in a city where I don't have to drive, park, etc. My apt. is literally one black away from the underground, six blocks from the regional subway (BART), and I can get to SO many places just by walking a block, hopping on a subway, and then walking one more block (Trader Joe's!). Convenience and diversity.
Speaking of the diversity, it's also incredible from a human being standpoint - and not just from a 'look at all the brands of jelly!' standpoint. I'd been back about a week and was riding on BART, when I just happened to look around me and noticed the half dozen or so people in my immediate vicinity were all different races, ages, economic backgrounds, etc. An older African-American woman, in her church hat, sat next to a young Asian gangsta wanna be, while across the aisle a young gay guy was sitting next to a big Latina. Across from me an interracial couple were cooing at their mixed race infant. Etc.
This is the kind of thing people who don't live with don't appreciate. THIS is what America is - the sheer variety of races, religions, family makeup, etc. It's just cool. And it makes you more empathetic, more understanding of differences, less fear of "the other" and what not. After 2.5 years living where 95%+ of the population was Basotho, and a year before that where everyone was Chinese, and a year+ before that where everyone was white, it's been a trip. But a welcome one!
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