These are actually from a contest some years ago, but I recently came across it when cleaning up my hard drive and had to share. These are the top ten winners to a contest to come up with the worst opening sentence to a novel. Enjoy and feel free to vote for your favorite! :) I personally like #3 and #1.
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear,' a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death-in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and—with sickly fingers—pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
7/28/10
Deep thoughts, cheap shots, and bon mots the ninth
Okay, I'll admit it: I cried at the end of "Toy Story 3." I'd read several references to grown men crying at the end of this movie, and I couldn't imagine what scene would elicit such (at least relatively) universal emotion. Don't worry, no spoiler here: I'm still kind of at a loss as to why I was so affected. Anyone have any thoughts?
As many of you know, I'm a big fan of "Harper's Index." Here's a few items from the latest list that are pretty "compelling" (IMHO):
Total campaign contributions Barack Obama received from BP between 2004 and 2009: $77,051; Number of politicians who accepted more in donations from BP during that period: 0
Factor by which BP's 2010 first-quarter profits exceeded its $75 million liability cap for the Gulf oil spill: 75 (remember, that's profits from ONE quarter)
Percentage of "willful" violations by U.S. oil refiners since 2007 that occured at BP plants, according to OSHA: 97
Percentage of their personal income Americans paid in taxes last year: 17; Last year in which Americans paid so little: 1971
Moving on: One of the cool/fun/weird things about San Francisco is having your heater running during the cold July evenings and then hearing the next day about the sweltering heat wave going on throughout a good chunk of the country. Weird.
Speaking of July, how the hell is it that it’s already over? I mean, seriously, it’s August already? Before you know it, the effing Chirstmas displays will be up! I’m not out of debt yet, dammit! If someone would buy this scooter off me, that would help – why won’t anyone buy my scooter? (sad, large yet disneyanthromorphized animal eyed look).
A plus to it being August is that means just one month until college football season (mmmmm, college football). I feel really good about Landry Jones this year – girly mustache or not; and for those of you who didn’t get that reference……well, I pity you.
BTW, have I mentioned yet how much I hate the latest incarnation of Word? It’s like Microsoft goes out of their way to makes things even worse – even less intuitive. Remember back in the day when Microsoft actually had real, live competitors? I miss WordPerfect. And while I’m at it, Publisher sucks ass, too. I could stomach a monopoly of quality, but a monopoly of crap? That’s like taking the worst of American and Chinese capitalism and mixing it together, pouring it into a bloated, stinking, disease-infested rat, and waiting for it to come out the other end so it can be served to all the poor people that are required for capitalism to be a viable system.
Boy, Microsoft leads to foul thinking, doesn’t it? (shaking head sadly)
As many of you know, I'm a big fan of "Harper's Index." Here's a few items from the latest list that are pretty "compelling" (IMHO):
Total campaign contributions Barack Obama received from BP between 2004 and 2009: $77,051; Number of politicians who accepted more in donations from BP during that period: 0
Factor by which BP's 2010 first-quarter profits exceeded its $75 million liability cap for the Gulf oil spill: 75 (remember, that's profits from ONE quarter)
Percentage of "willful" violations by U.S. oil refiners since 2007 that occured at BP plants, according to OSHA: 97
Percentage of their personal income Americans paid in taxes last year: 17; Last year in which Americans paid so little: 1971
Moving on: One of the cool/fun/weird things about San Francisco is having your heater running during the cold July evenings and then hearing the next day about the sweltering heat wave going on throughout a good chunk of the country. Weird.
Speaking of July, how the hell is it that it’s already over? I mean, seriously, it’s August already? Before you know it, the effing Chirstmas displays will be up! I’m not out of debt yet, dammit! If someone would buy this scooter off me, that would help – why won’t anyone buy my scooter? (sad, large yet disneyanthromorphized animal eyed look).
A plus to it being August is that means just one month until college football season (mmmmm, college football). I feel really good about Landry Jones this year – girly mustache or not; and for those of you who didn’t get that reference……well, I pity you.
BTW, have I mentioned yet how much I hate the latest incarnation of Word? It’s like Microsoft goes out of their way to makes things even worse – even less intuitive. Remember back in the day when Microsoft actually had real, live competitors? I miss WordPerfect. And while I’m at it, Publisher sucks ass, too. I could stomach a monopoly of quality, but a monopoly of crap? That’s like taking the worst of American and Chinese capitalism and mixing it together, pouring it into a bloated, stinking, disease-infested rat, and waiting for it to come out the other end so it can be served to all the poor people that are required for capitalism to be a viable system.
Boy, Microsoft leads to foul thinking, doesn’t it? (shaking head sadly)
7/22/10
A Cornucopia of Fascinating Food Facts!
As "faithful" readers of my blog will know, one of my New Year's resolutions was to try and cut meat out of my diet. But it's HARD for someone raised on meat & potatoes in Oklahoma. So since I'm one of those persons who really does like to keep his resolutions, or at least make SOME progress, I modified it a bit to ensure success (although gradual).
So for this year, I have stopped eating any beef unless it is local, organic/hormone free, and local. I've been able to stick to this one coz I just get chicken or pork or turkey now instead, PLUS there are more places in the City (like Burgermeister!) serving Niman Ranch beef, so I can do that when I'm "jonesing for beef." :)
The idea is that next year, I'll add Pork to the list so I'll only be eating beef or pork if it's local, blah blah blah. And that way, too, I'm cutting them out in order of their global footprints (beef is far and away #1). Also, "luckily," friends and acquaintances aware of my "quest," are SO helpful in sending me scary articles and stories on our food supply. Check out the following:
Yum, how about some unregulated nano-foods coating your fruit and corrupting your DNA; click HERE to read about it.
And can someone please tell me why Monsanto hasn't been destroyed yet? Coz their
government approved GMOs in your corn are destroying your organs! Check it out HERE - if you dare!
Now, THIS one is REALLY exciting: how to wipe out 60% of the populaion through factory-farmed meat!
Finally, this book is interesting if nothing else for the story of the author's Jewish grandmother, fleeing the Nazis abnd starving to death who still wouldn't eat a piece of offered pork. Nowadays, of course, there's lots of other "fun" reasons to avoid meat!
So for this year, I have stopped eating any beef unless it is local, organic/hormone free, and local. I've been able to stick to this one coz I just get chicken or pork or turkey now instead, PLUS there are more places in the City (like Burgermeister!) serving Niman Ranch beef, so I can do that when I'm "jonesing for beef." :)
The idea is that next year, I'll add Pork to the list so I'll only be eating beef or pork if it's local, blah blah blah. And that way, too, I'm cutting them out in order of their global footprints (beef is far and away #1). Also, "luckily," friends and acquaintances aware of my "quest," are SO helpful in sending me scary articles and stories on our food supply. Check out the following:
Yum, how about some unregulated nano-foods coating your fruit and corrupting your DNA; click HERE to read about it.
And can someone please tell me why Monsanto hasn't been destroyed yet? Coz their
government approved GMOs in your corn are destroying your organs! Check it out HERE - if you dare!
Now, THIS one is REALLY exciting: how to wipe out 60% of the populaion through factory-farmed meat!
Finally, this book is interesting if nothing else for the story of the author's Jewish grandmother, fleeing the Nazis abnd starving to death who still wouldn't eat a piece of offered pork. Nowadays, of course, there's lots of other "fun" reasons to avoid meat!
7/15/10
Politics and the Weather and a Butterfly Not Flapping Its Wings in Brazil
So I had a couple of mini-epiphanies while in Vancouver (and one repeat mini-epiphany).
I realized that, with the exception of my Peace Corps stint, and my 4-month stay in cosmopolitan Grand Forks, ND as a USDA volunteer, once I left Oklahoma I've always lived in a city by water.
Left OK for San Diego for five years, then 10 now total in San Francisco, 3 years in Honolulu, and then 3 years in Burlington, VT - which was right on Lake Champlain. It makes me wonder if, subconsciously, I chose Burlington over Boulder coz of the proximity to a large body of water--I know it wasn't on my anal-retentive "must have" list.
Actually, I remember (later--not at the time) the main reason I chose Burlington over Boulder is coz when I went to check out the former, it was in the bloom of spring, the weather was awesome, UVM was in session so the town was alive and youthful, yadda yadda yadda.
When I went to Boulder it was winter, overcast the whole time I was there, but no pretty snow, and school (Univ. of Colorado) was out, so the town was dead.
So THAT got me to thinking of when Dubya was elected by the U.S. Supreme Court and I SO. BADLY. wanted to leave the country. I actually took a "sample" Canadian citizenship test, subscribed to some e-blasts on re-locating, etc. Then, of course, 9/11 changed the world forever (cof, cof).
The reason I wasn't so keen on Canada, however, is coz of the weather. Ding ding ding. And yet, at THAT time, I was missing (to some extent) Kazakhstan's winter, and I was primed to move SOMEWHERE by 2002 (thus, the visits to Boulder and Burlington).
If, by chance, a butterfly had flapped its wings in the Amazon and made it so that Vancovuer hosted the 2002, and not the 2010, Olympics--had I come to see Vancouver in THAT year (2002), I could easily see myself having made the plunge to move up there. Easily.
Of course then I never would have had Kyle.
Hmmmmmm.
Damn that butterfly!
JUST KIDDING! My boy knows I love him more than anything in the world. :) Well, except maybe Krispy Kremes.
I realized that, with the exception of my Peace Corps stint, and my 4-month stay in cosmopolitan Grand Forks, ND as a USDA volunteer, once I left Oklahoma I've always lived in a city by water.
Left OK for San Diego for five years, then 10 now total in San Francisco, 3 years in Honolulu, and then 3 years in Burlington, VT - which was right on Lake Champlain. It makes me wonder if, subconsciously, I chose Burlington over Boulder coz of the proximity to a large body of water--I know it wasn't on my anal-retentive "must have" list.
Actually, I remember (later--not at the time) the main reason I chose Burlington over Boulder is coz when I went to check out the former, it was in the bloom of spring, the weather was awesome, UVM was in session so the town was alive and youthful, yadda yadda yadda.
When I went to Boulder it was winter, overcast the whole time I was there, but no pretty snow, and school (Univ. of Colorado) was out, so the town was dead.
So THAT got me to thinking of when Dubya was elected by the U.S. Supreme Court and I SO. BADLY. wanted to leave the country. I actually took a "sample" Canadian citizenship test, subscribed to some e-blasts on re-locating, etc. Then, of course, 9/11 changed the world forever (cof, cof).
The reason I wasn't so keen on Canada, however, is coz of the weather. Ding ding ding. And yet, at THAT time, I was missing (to some extent) Kazakhstan's winter, and I was primed to move SOMEWHERE by 2002 (thus, the visits to Boulder and Burlington).
If, by chance, a butterfly had flapped its wings in the Amazon and made it so that Vancovuer hosted the 2002, and not the 2010, Olympics--had I come to see Vancouver in THAT year (2002), I could easily see myself having made the plunge to move up there. Easily.
Of course then I never would have had Kyle.
Hmmmmmm.
Damn that butterfly!
JUST KIDDING! My boy knows I love him more than anything in the world. :) Well, except maybe Krispy Kremes.
7/7/10
Notes from Vancouver
What is it about getting old that makes you scared? When I was getting off the plane in Vancouver, I had a brief moment of panic wherein I was thinking, “Oh my god, I’m all alone in a foreign country where I don’t know anyone and omigodomigodomigod….” But then I was walking through the ultra-cool Vancouver airport and it immediately changed to oh, “Oh cool, I’m in a new city in a foreign country, how exciting omigodomigodomigod…”
So it turns out that I arrived in Vancouver on Canada Day! Woo-hoo! Totally unplanned, but a nice surprise. However, I didn’t see a single store or business promoting it as “Canaday” – which just goes to show that this country still lags far behind the U.S. in smarmy marketing concepts!
So there!
This is indeed a beautiful city; interesting to discover today it’s only 180 some odd years old – and I thought that the U.S. was a baby historically!
I forgot how cool it is to stay in a hostel – at least when travelling internationally. I mean, yeah, there’s the downsides like sharing a room with strangers (also a pro), getting paired with folks with different sleep patterns leading to disruption, etc.
But on the plus side, you meet lots of cool people from all over the world, there’s a much cooler “vibe” and sense of community amongst the guests, etc. My first night I had two German guys and a guy from Egypt in my room. Today I’ve got a guy from Japan and another one from Thailand. On the hostel-coordinated tour I went on yesterday, there were folks from Australia, England, Holland, Germany, and another American (Ohio).
The communal breakfasts have been particularly amusing what with the World Cup going on. Lots of guys getting excited yesterday when Holland upset Brazil. Hopefully, I’ll remember to ask one of the Dutch folks why it is that their country is called either Holland or The Netherlands, and yet the people are Dutch. Does anyone know this already? As a History major, I should, but…
A nice thing about being from San Francisco: I don’t get the blank look in response and have to explain where it is. The girl from Ohio yesterday, who now lives in Tennessee, had to explain to everyone that Ohio and Tennessee are states in the U.S. just like California, New York, or Texas, and that even though they’re relatively close (Ohio and Tennessee, that is), the towns she has lived in are more than 500 miles apart. Of course, in Canada, they have a greater awareness and understanding of what it’s like to live in a huge country.
Speaking of SF, Vancouver is very similar (no wonder I like it): striking natural setting, beautiful cityscape surrounded by water, bridges (not as cool, of course) connecting to other areas, fantastic natural beauty (e.g., forests) just a short drive away, tremendous diversity, nice weather (okay, a bit wet here), and of course expensive (you get what you pay for!). The both even have transit lines ending in Richmond. Weird.
Wow, no one here knows how to spell center! They all spell it “Centre” (ignorant, yet condescending, American chuckle).
Ha, the guy working the Hostel desk tonight looks like Vincent or whatever that other forensics guy’s name is on “Dexter.”
It’s amazing and depressing how long everyone outside of the U.S. gets to travel! When I tell people I’m “on holiday” for just a week they look at me in shock and pity. Most folks are travelling for at least a month, many for 3-4 months. And not just the college kids, either. Sigh. More than one person is traveling for a YEAR. A year! If only.
Fun facts about Vancouver: It is consistently rated at the top of lists for “The Most Livable City in the World” (I was unsurprised to see Vienna on the list, too – I wish I could afford to live there!). Check out wiki on this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World%27s_most_livable_cities
BTW, the U.N. consistently declares Canada as “The best country in the world to live in.”
Conde Nast recently chose Vancouver as the best travel destination in “All the Americas” (not only surpassing all U.S. cities but even all the cities in Colombia and Nicaragua! WOW!)
The Vancouver airport is among the top 10 in the world (I have to say it is, indeed, awesome!).
Vancouver is nicknamed “Hollywood North” as more movies are filmed here than anywhere in the world after L.A. and NYC.
Finally, the province of British Columbia is HUGE – you could fit all of England, France, Switzerland, Ireland, Holland, Belgium, and Denmark in it and even then it’s only a small fraction of this massive country.
So I was eating dinner with a mixed group last night (including these 2 Dutch boys that eat two HUGE plates of spaghetti, each, every night), and one of the guys says he has to use the “Lokum” so then we got in a discussion of the various slang terms for the restroom. I actually had people write them down coz I’d never heard many of them: Bog, The Dunny, Clo, Le Petit Coin, Les Chioties, Chee Saw, Xi-Sho-Jian, O-Ben-Jo, W.C., The Loo, and Retrete. My favorite is still “The Happy Room” from my trip to China.
My GAWD, but German is a harsh, inelegant language! (not that English is that pretty, mind you – but of course it’s a Germanic language).
My last day in town was absolutely beautiful. If the weather had been like this during the whole trip, I might have been tempted to move up there. But I’m still happy to be back in SF. Yay, me!
So it turns out that I arrived in Vancouver on Canada Day! Woo-hoo! Totally unplanned, but a nice surprise. However, I didn’t see a single store or business promoting it as “Canaday” – which just goes to show that this country still lags far behind the U.S. in smarmy marketing concepts!
So there!
This is indeed a beautiful city; interesting to discover today it’s only 180 some odd years old – and I thought that the U.S. was a baby historically!
I forgot how cool it is to stay in a hostel – at least when travelling internationally. I mean, yeah, there’s the downsides like sharing a room with strangers (also a pro), getting paired with folks with different sleep patterns leading to disruption, etc.
But on the plus side, you meet lots of cool people from all over the world, there’s a much cooler “vibe” and sense of community amongst the guests, etc. My first night I had two German guys and a guy from Egypt in my room. Today I’ve got a guy from Japan and another one from Thailand. On the hostel-coordinated tour I went on yesterday, there were folks from Australia, England, Holland, Germany, and another American (Ohio).
The communal breakfasts have been particularly amusing what with the World Cup going on. Lots of guys getting excited yesterday when Holland upset Brazil. Hopefully, I’ll remember to ask one of the Dutch folks why it is that their country is called either Holland or The Netherlands, and yet the people are Dutch. Does anyone know this already? As a History major, I should, but…
A nice thing about being from San Francisco: I don’t get the blank look in response and have to explain where it is. The girl from Ohio yesterday, who now lives in Tennessee, had to explain to everyone that Ohio and Tennessee are states in the U.S. just like California, New York, or Texas, and that even though they’re relatively close (Ohio and Tennessee, that is), the towns she has lived in are more than 500 miles apart. Of course, in Canada, they have a greater awareness and understanding of what it’s like to live in a huge country.
Speaking of SF, Vancouver is very similar (no wonder I like it): striking natural setting, beautiful cityscape surrounded by water, bridges (not as cool, of course) connecting to other areas, fantastic natural beauty (e.g., forests) just a short drive away, tremendous diversity, nice weather (okay, a bit wet here), and of course expensive (you get what you pay for!). The both even have transit lines ending in Richmond. Weird.
Wow, no one here knows how to spell center! They all spell it “Centre” (ignorant, yet condescending, American chuckle).
Ha, the guy working the Hostel desk tonight looks like Vincent or whatever that other forensics guy’s name is on “Dexter.”
It’s amazing and depressing how long everyone outside of the U.S. gets to travel! When I tell people I’m “on holiday” for just a week they look at me in shock and pity. Most folks are travelling for at least a month, many for 3-4 months. And not just the college kids, either. Sigh. More than one person is traveling for a YEAR. A year! If only.
Fun facts about Vancouver: It is consistently rated at the top of lists for “The Most Livable City in the World” (I was unsurprised to see Vienna on the list, too – I wish I could afford to live there!). Check out wiki on this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World%27s_most_livable_cities
BTW, the U.N. consistently declares Canada as “The best country in the world to live in.”
Conde Nast recently chose Vancouver as the best travel destination in “All the Americas” (not only surpassing all U.S. cities but even all the cities in Colombia and Nicaragua! WOW!)
The Vancouver airport is among the top 10 in the world (I have to say it is, indeed, awesome!).
Vancouver is nicknamed “Hollywood North” as more movies are filmed here than anywhere in the world after L.A. and NYC.
Finally, the province of British Columbia is HUGE – you could fit all of England, France, Switzerland, Ireland, Holland, Belgium, and Denmark in it and even then it’s only a small fraction of this massive country.
So I was eating dinner with a mixed group last night (including these 2 Dutch boys that eat two HUGE plates of spaghetti, each, every night), and one of the guys says he has to use the “Lokum” so then we got in a discussion of the various slang terms for the restroom. I actually had people write them down coz I’d never heard many of them: Bog, The Dunny, Clo, Le Petit Coin, Les Chioties, Chee Saw, Xi-Sho-Jian, O-Ben-Jo, W.C., The Loo, and Retrete. My favorite is still “The Happy Room” from my trip to China.
My GAWD, but German is a harsh, inelegant language! (not that English is that pretty, mind you – but of course it’s a Germanic language).
My last day in town was absolutely beautiful. If the weather had been like this during the whole trip, I might have been tempted to move up there. But I’m still happy to be back in SF. Yay, me!
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