I read somewhere once that many smart people believe in the power of reading a dictionary. Yes, READING it, not just using it to look up those words smarter people than you throw at you to make sure you remember that they’re smarter than you.
I would actually have to agree, though, that reading a dictionary is indeed a good thing. It IS gratifying to throw words out that other people don’t know and watch them smile blankly and nod their heads when you respond to their innocent little musing about whether or not Dianne Feinstein would make a good president with something like, “Oh, I don’t know--she’s just so.....so......antediluvian, don’t you think?”
Of course, reading is a time-consuming business and I know most of us don’t have time to sit and relax in your favorite old chair with a nice heavy copy of Webster’s annotated in your lap. I mean what with working 10 hours a day, sleeping for six (maybe), the gym, my MTV, catching the latest $100 million art house flick, cruisin’ the web and surfin’ the net and flaming all those morons who actually believe that Captain Picard is a better Star Trek captain than Captain Kirk. I know it’s hard to keep up.
So of course I’m here to help. I will, as a service to my faithful readers, and to help with my eternal ambition to be a teacher (just not in a public high school), read the dictionary myself and, periodically, provide you with a brief definition of some obscure, but impressive-sounding words for you to use on your boss, loved ones, or anyone else that needs to be reminded of your intellectual prowess. And if you continue reading this within the next two minutes, at no extra charge, I’ll even use the word in a sentence for you!
Let’s start with antediluvian, since I mentioned it above (and since I have only read the A’s so far in the dictionary). Antediluvian--emphasis on the lu, as in loo--basically means “of the time before the flood.” Now, I don’t know if this is so literal that people who don’t believe in God and Noah and all that can’t use the word, I’ll leave that up to individual consciences. And, as for using it in a sentence, I already did, remember? Dianne Feinstein is positively ANTEDILUVIAN.
Okay, let’s move on. ABATTOIR. Many of you may know this one because it’s always first on those “improving your vocabulary” tapes and runs all the time in Reader’s Digest. Frankly, I don’t know why it’s so popular considering that it’s simply a fancy word for a slaughterhouse, but I felt I should include it just to make sure everyone out there knows how to spell it. I always wanted to spell it as abbatoir, but I'm assuming that has something to do with ABBA.
Anyway, using it in a sentence, let me see.... Oh, okay, here we go: Dianne Feinstein, the positively antediluvian Senator, made a campaign stop today at an abattoir. I have to admit that sounds nicer than saying, “Old Dianne Feinstein dropped by a slaughterhouse today.”
Next, ABSTEMIOUS--emphasis on the ste, as in stee. This means “sparing in one’s taking of food and drink, not self-indulgent.” The dictionary also reminds you that an abstemious person does not abstain entirely (italics, dictionary). So a good sentence would be: Dianne Feinstein, the positively antediluvian and possibly ABSTEMIOUS Senator, made a campaign stop today at an abattoir. " Swish! Can you believe I’m making up these sentences as we go along? Who says learning isn’t fun?
Then we have AEGIS--emphasis on the ae, is in ee. Aegis is a noun, even though it sounds like a verb (or am I thinking of an adjective? won't someone tell me what I'm thinking of?), and means “protection, sponsorship.” Incredibly enough, the dictionary provides us with a sentence fragment using aegis, that fits uncannily into our ongoing, and I must admit thrilling, story about Dianne Feinstein.
Our new sentence thus reads: Dianne Feinstein, the positively antediluvian and possibly abstemious Senator, while under the AEGIS of the Humane Society, made a campaign stop today at an abattoir. Is that eerie, or what? And it changes the meaning of the sentence for those of you who had previously proscribed rather nefarious (see more about this word in a future column!) motives to Ms. Feinstein’s visit to the abattoir.
But, quiet, fool, so we can move on to the next word! I’m dying to know what happens to old Dianne--excuse me, to the positively antediluvian Dianne--aren’t you?
In fact, let’s just finish up the A’s and I’ll let you all go home early. We have AMELIORATE (emphasis on the mel, as in meel, and which means to make or become better); we have ANACHRONISM (emphasis on the nach, as in “My Sharona” and meaning 1) a mistake in placing something into a particular historical period, 2) the thing wrongly placed, 3) a person, custom, or idea regarded as out of date...Hmm, can just SMELL this one coming, can’t you?); and, finally, we have APHASIA (emphasis on the pha, as in fay, and referring to a partial or total loss of speech, or loss of understanding of language, resulting from brain damage).
Let’s tie it all up with one nice, long, sentence using all the new words we’ve learned and be prepared to amaze your family and friends: Dianne Feinstein, the positively antediluvian and possibly abstemious Grdlflick in jammer, astibalished...... Editor’s Note: We apologize, but Mr. Wallace was suddenly struck with aphasia and will be unable to finish this lesson. We have sent him to the hospital, where he has been given pharmacotherapy to help ameliorate his pain until he can discontinue his obsession with the Knack’s “My Sharona.” Our apologies.
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