Hello, Guangzhou!

So after my first full day in Guangzhou, my initial thoughts were: Pretty green for such a large city. Definitely warm and humid. Seems much more mellow than Shanghai (but then that wouldn’t be difficult). And that I made a good choice. We’ll see if/how those initial thoughts change.


Turns out the Cantonese REALLY hate coins. When the regional director, Paul, was trying to get us checked into our hotel (no mean feat considering the HR girl in Shanghai bungled our reservations), we ran next door to the Family Mart for juice/soda. The clerk tried to give Paul a one quai/RMB/yuan coin as change and he was all, “Bu yao” (“don’t want”) and then explained to me and Kerwin that living in Guangzhou has turned him into a coin hater just because they hate them. I get that they’re heavier, but I would think the gov’t would “force” them on folks more because it’s cheaper for them. They still use the one quai coin, but just not nearly at the level they do in Shangai. But what’s really trippy is they hate coins so much they actually have HALF quai bills! That would be like having a 50 cent bill in the U.S. When I got my first one, I was like, “WTF is this?” You really only see them in the south. In fact, they’re the only bill that does NOT have good old Mao on them. But wait, it gets better! A few days later, I bought something that was 1 quai 90 and I actually got back a fucking 1/10th quai bill! Again, that’d be like having a dime bill in the U.S. Unbelievable! Also doesn’t have Mao on it.

I think some small part of this has to be due to the fact that Guangzhou/Guangdong province has always been a bit “independent” – not so much in the literal sense, of course, but most modernization and “progressive” movements start down here. They also hold on to their Cantonese language, which is as different from Mandarin as English is from French. Subway announcements are made in Mandarin, English, AND Cantonese.

In other news, I’m still trying to decide what I think about the jelly balls in my juice. Huh huh huh. In Shanghai, a couple of us went out one night with Kerwin’s “uncle” who showed us the sites, bought us some local food, etc. Towards the end of the evening, when we were dragging/tired, he treated us to a local juice place for a “refresher.” I got a peach/mango/watermelon/kiwi confection that was really good, tho I did do a slight double-take at the jelly balls that were in there. Uncle explained that’s a common thing in China – and you’ll even see it in KFC. They’re kind of hard to describe, but it’s SORT OF like “bubble tea” for those who have had that. But, IMHO, the texture is kind of strange – esp. in a drink. Anyway, I actually liked it that night, partly for the novelty, and partly coz I was parched. But my second night in Guangzhou, I picked up a juice bag (like Capri Sun) at a local Hong Kong style market. Thought I was just getting peach juice, but when I got into it back at my hotel I discovered there were peach jelly balls in them. At first, I was like, “Oh well,” tho still disappointed. But after a few of them, I was just over it. They’re strange. It’s the texture. Will now be trying to avoid them. Bleh.

I haven’t talked too much about “the smells” here – partly coz I’ve traveled enough to expect strange smells overseas as compared to many in our group. But I do have to admit that they can be very, um, “disheartening” at times. Was taking a stroll along the river the other night and it was very pleasant. The night wasn’t too warm, the skyline was pretty, there were beautifully lit boats cruising along, the nearby bridge was changing colors, the Guangzhou opera house looked REALLY cool, etc. And then I hit a stretch that just smelled like shit. Literally. It passed soon enough, but it still kind of put a damper on the experience, which is a shame. And that will happen throughout the city/China. Part of it is their sub-par sewer system, I imagine; part of it is just how gross the Chinese can be sometimes in disposing of their waste, but it kind of puts a hitch in any dreams they may have of being a truly world-class, consistently enjoyable tourist destination.

Speaking of world class: Sorry, China, but you will NEVER become a “real” “first world” power until your internet service is way more consistent and WAY less shitty!

Here’s a love/hate China story: They have this awesome little subway line that’s called the APM, which stands for “Automated People Mover.” It’s a subway line that is auto-driven, no humans operating it, kind of like the ones you see in some airports. I love it coz not only is it generally WAY less crowded than the subway, I just think it’s kind of cool—plus, it’s terminus at one end is a scant 5-10 minute walk from my center and the other end is at the Canton Tower (about a 15-20 minute walk from my hotel). Unfortunately, I became MUCH less enamored of it once I discovered the stupidity of their fare system. After I rode it to work and back one day, I decided the next morning to buy several tokens at once so I wouldn’t need to buy one every time I got on. Well, when I was going back to the hotel that evening, I tried using one of the four extra tokens I’d bought that morning. Wouldn’t work. Tried another one. And another one. None worked. So I had to truck upstairs to customer service, and after getting the no English guy to understand that YES, I was putting the tokens in, they just weren’t working, he got another guy with some decent English who was finally able to make me understand that the tokens bought at the Canton Tower end can only be used from there. Even though the fare is the same, the tokens look the same, etc. I felt bad for him because he was being very nice, and it wasn’t HIS stupid idea/system, but I was still pretty pissy. So, whatever, I bought a couple of “return” tokens and then kept them separate from my “departure” tokens and went back to the hotel. Next morning: I put in my “departure” token and it doesn’t work. I try using the other to make sure I didn’t mix them up. Didn’t work. Repeat scene at customer service window, this time with two women, first no English, etc. I dunno if they deliberately have women at the Canton Tower stop and men at the other end or what. Ha. ANYWAY, the speak a little English woman politely and smilingly informed me that not only are the tokens only good one way depending on the station you buy them in, they’re only good for the same fucking day you buy them! I said to her, “So you’re telling me the 10 quai worth of tokens I now have are worthless?” (polite smile from her) “Yes!” So I had to be the asshole American and said, “I’m sorry, but that’s just stupid.” And it is. Again, China, can’t be a first world power with such stupid shit.

When I mention this kind of stuff to the other Westerners here, they invariably say, “Welcome to China.” Bed in my hotel hard as a rock? “Welcome to China.” Incomprehensibly stupid fare system? “Welcome to China.” But there’s more: When I ask these Westerners their opinion of the Chinese, or just when discussing them in casual conversation, the almost universal adjective used to describe them is: “They’re assholes.” And supposedly the Taiwanese are even worse. Now, as a history major who studied a fair amount of Chinese history, I tend to be a little more understanding – aware of the fact that they call themselves “The Middle Kingdom,” as in the center of the universe. Indeed, I feel they should be rightfully proud of their long history and accomplishments and traditions. But the Egyptian history is just as long and yet they are not NEARLY so arrogant. Upon further discussion, you’ll hear that these Westerners are appalled at the Chinese arrogance because of their provincialism – which, to me, is much more understandable/legitimate to criticize them for. The vast majority of the Chinese – admittedly through no fault of their own – have very little awareness/understanding of the rest of the world. And yet, still, they are incredibly racist, look down on foreigners, etc. Of course most Americans are the same way, so it’s kind of interesting to hear the Americans here kvetch about the Chinese.

Tonight for dinner I had a bag of guacamole chips I found at a small Western market and a McFlurry from the Mickey D’s around the corner. I feel badly about the amount of McDs I have eaten, but until I am in my own place, am able to shop/cook, etc., I’m too leery of trying places I don’t know. Towards the end of my time in Shanghai, I ate much more local food as we found places with the help of locals we’d befriended. At my center, I go to this little Hong Kong style buffet down the street, so, again, as I make local friends/find stuff, hopefully my diet will diversify. J

Okay, the heat/humidity is insane! I mean, I dealt with this in Oklahoma, of course, but it’s one of the main reasons I left! Wah, my delicate California blood! The poor realtor thought I was going to drop from heat stroke when she was showing me apartments, and kept fanning me! I looked at about 10 apartments in two different areas, and boy did they run the gamut: 3,700 – 5,000 quai a month, small to decent size, interesting décor/furnishings to ugly/bland. Saw one place that was pretty nice inside but quite, um, “sketchy/local” on the outside – let’s just say I can’t imagine my delicate snob Princess of a sister visiting me if I lived in such a place! (love ya, Angel!) J

Anyway, I just today asked the realtor to see if I could get the third one I saw yesterday. I had a good feeling when I walked in, even though it’s not too big. And it’s bright, in a nice/modern area, etc. Deets next week if I snag it!

Farewell, Shanghai!

Believe it or not, this random hotel in Shanghai has ruined a Simon & Garfunkel song for me.  While you may not recognize the title, “El Condor Pasa” (I didn’t), you would probably recognize the lyrics, “I’d rather be a hammer than a nail……if I could…..”  Well, just try….TRY to imagine a Chinese muzac version of it.  I only WISH I could find it online to share; it must be heard to be believed.  Actually, the first few times we heard it, I thought it was kind of nice/funky.  Unfortunately, they ONLY play that one song in an endless loop.  In the lobby.  In the restaurant for breakfast each morning.  Over and over and over and over and over and over again.  I hate that song.

So Mindy and I went to check out one of the local gay bars coz they advertised “Free Tapas!” and drink specials one night.  The drink specials were, indeed, fairly decent (decent for Shanghai, that is, which means $9 for a Long Island “Ice” Tea), but we never saw the free tapas, and the “Hot Model” Chinese waiter didn’t understand us when we asked about the tapas – so he sent someone else over who didn’t understand, either! 

Since we were hungry, we decided to hit the noodle place next door, where Mindy then texted the guy she was going to meet out for a not-really-a-date date and had him join us there.  Forget his name, but he’s from Ghana and works in the “export-import business” here in Shanghai.  He was nice enough, but neither Mindy or I saw/felt any “sparks” between them.  He actually spent more time talking to ME, but when I asked him if he’d ever been with another man, he was SHOCKED and said, most vehemently, that he had not.  But he sometimes deejays in gay bars and joined us back next door for one more drink.  Interestingly, he hates Chinese food/never eats it.  You can do that in Shanghai, but you pay for the “privilege.”

Speaking of, we found another, less expensive Mexican restaurant not too very far from our hotel and near Lauren’s hood so we met there last week for lunch.  Pretty good, but still not as good as anything I could find in Oklahoma.  But beggars can’t be choosers.  The owner came here some years ago from Acapulco with some corporation, liked Shanghai, and stayed/opened this restaurant.

Right when we were prepping to leave, we heard a huge commotion out on the street and went out to find that there had been an accident between two scooters.  Amazingly, the first accident we’d seen, although we just missed seeing the actual collision.  I wish we had, though, because the “resolution” was an absolute trip to behold. 

One scooter had an old guy and young boy/probably his grandson.  The other, a couple in maybe their 30s/40s.  No one was hurt, but the woman sat in the middle of the street, next to the two toppled over scooters (neither one seemed to have any real damage) and WOULD. NOT. MOVE.   Apparently, this is SOP in China, according to the restaurant owner, who joined us on the sidewalk to observe – along with VERY MANY bystanders.  He said they would wait for the police, and once they arrived, the woman would start sobbing.  He said the police would bring in a “mediator” who would then coordinate with the two parties until someone either admitted guilt and/or wanted to get the hell out of there and would offer money and/or cigarettes to the “offended” party.  And that’s exactly what happened.

In the meantime, more gawkers came by, traffic had to crawl around the scooters (as well as the woman who had to hurl return curses at the drivers cursing at her), etc.  It’s hard to describe how compelling the drama was, but it was, indeed.  The bored police showed up fairly quickly and eventually moved the scooters off the street with the help of the “mediator” who then started working with the parties involved, while bystanders (the “jury”) excitedly offered their two cents/verdict.

One of the coolest/most surreal moments was when this OLD guy came puttering by in this FUNKY, strange looking TINY red car.  About the length of a smart car, but less wide/only a one seater, and taller.  Very weird looking, but fun to see this old guy in it.  What made it surreal was, about 20 minutes later, the guy came puttering by again, going in the same direction.  He did not gawk at the accident either time.  It was like he was taking his Sunday drive on a Thursday and/or was just hopelessly lost and looping.  The whole thing was truly a trip.

Fun China fact: no stores will provide free bags.  You must bring your own or buy them.  I think SF started doing this recently, as well as some other cities in California.

Speaking of stores, the “Cloud Nine” mall down the road from our hotel is an effing HUGE mall. Easily the largest I’ve ever been in.  And it’s not even the largest in Shanghai, let alone China (fun fact: the largest mall in the world, not far from where I’ll be in Guangzhou is actually now classified as a “dead mall” – it’s a fascinating story if you google it).  Anyway, Cloud Nine has nine floors, with 4 more levels underground.  There are at least 4-5 huge atriums completely ringed by stores (I posted a photo of one of the atriums earlier).  The size isn’t “inflated” by amusement park rides or anything like that – it’s just endless store after endless store with a buttload of restaurants.   It’s huge.

Transition: for a country/culture that supposedly puts the group before the individual the Chinese can be astonishingly selfish/self-centered.  The way they mob the subway entrances and escalators is truly a sight to behold.  The pushing, the not waiting until people get off before they try to shove on, etc. They’re the same way with the escalators.  And of course I’ve already mentioned their blind selfishness when driving, riding their scooters/bikes.  I experienced this to a small extent in SF (partly due, of course, to the high number of Asians), but honestly, call it culture or whatever, it is truly amazing and appalling the way they behave.  It’s actually pretty disgusting, truth be told.  I’ve gotten to the point where I just won’t let them push by me anymore and will actively push back/block people trying to shove by me.  Then, of course, they look at me like *I* am the asshole.  I have to say, this is the most appalling thing about their behavior as a people.  It truly boggles the mind to witness.  We all (Disney folks) remark on it endlessly.

Today (Thursday) was the epitome.  It was absolutely JAMMED even in the middle of the day.  There had to be SOMETHING going on, but the sheer mass of humanity was simply exhausting to fight through.  I mean, I'm a big city boy, but the mass of people here is just absurd.  I'm totally ready to leave.  BTW, if you didn't know already, Shanghai proper is the largest city in the world - outdistancing Istanbul by 4 million people.  It is also the world's largest municipality, and 5th largest "urban area."

Speaking of the subways, they actually have security/x-ray machines at EVERY entrance.  But what’s stupid is they are not even close to being consistently enforced.  Of course I play the good Red and always put my bag through there, but virtually every day, I see some arrogant business type breeze right through, even when the security guard puts his/her arm out to try and stop them.  The guy will just blow right by without saying anything, without even deigning to act like there is a person there.  I mean, honestly, what fucking good does it do to have the things if they won’t consistently enforce? 

But still on the subways, and in general, there is ZERO graffiti here in Shanghai.  None.  I have seen no graffiti whatsoever anywhere in this municipality of about 25 million people.  If they’re so well behaved, why don’t they submit to the subway security?  Why do they act so effing crazy and selfish and insane when traveling?  It’s a conundrum wrapped in an enigma and then covered with MSG!

About a week ago (around 6/13) we all noticed we had sore throats and thought a bug was going around.  Turns out we were all getting hit with “Shanghai pollution throat.”  :(   I can’t imagine living in Beijing.  With the heat, and lack of rain, combined with needing to run the A/C more, it just led to nastiness all around.  Poor Mindy even broke down and bought a “SARS mask”/face diaper – she hated me calling it the latter, but that’s what the one she picked looked like, I swear!  See pic posted on Facebook, if you don’t believe me! 

Back at the hotel, the poor maids must think we’re all freaks.  Most of us keep the “Do Not Disturb” signs on our doors – even when we’re not here.  Partly it’s to keep the shades drawn/the rooms cooler (we can’t make the maids understand we don’t want the shades opened and the windows opened to let in the heat/pollution).  Bless their hearts, though, it’s obvious they are most distraught at not being able to clean our rooms.  We joke about giving them a huge break and “letting” them come in and clean.  I confused one even further the other day: Mindy and I have taken to answering our room phones the Chinese way, with a very loud, long drawn out, “WEI????” just to amuse ourselves and coz we’re the only ones who call each other in our rooms (which are right next door to each other).  Unfortunately, one day when I did that, it was the maid calling and she immediately started chattering at me in Mandarin.  Of course I had to revert to stupid American and was all, “Um, what?”  Her reply? “May clean room?”   :)

On the whole, we’re apparently a hardier group than the current crop of trainees finishing up.  Although they had more in their initial group (10 to our 7) fully HALF of them have quit!  Actually, one was “fired” and we’re all dying to know why.  One had the gall to accept another job here in China within 2 weeks of Disney flying him out here, and 3 of them just could not deal.  I had thought the “psyche profile” was supposed to weed out such wussies, but apparently not. 

Now it’s on to Guangzhou!  Woot, woot!!   :)

Deep thoughts, cheap shots and bon mots - XIX - Shanghai Edition II

Seriously, the drivers here are IN. SANE.  They could give two squirts of piss if you’re a pedestrian and have the right of way.  They simply FLAT OUT do NOT stop for right on red, just roll on through.  When I get to Guangzhou, I’m going to be getting a nice, solid, walking stick.  I’m going to wave/twirl it around as I walk/cross streets/etc., and if I happen to hit their car, yay for me.   The scooterists, bicyclists, and motorized bicyclists are the same.  I will be using my stick on them, as well.  :)

One of the women in our training group, Debby, is from Holland.  During one of our last days of training, we all “splurged” for lunch at a western-type place near our center called “Johnny Moos” (points for you if you guessed it’s a rip-off of Johnny Rockets!).  We started discussing education in America, which then led to a discussion of violence in America, the prison system, etc.  I thought poor Debby was going to break down in tears when she heard all we had to say.  I mean, she’s a nice young woman, but she’s not naïve or “goody-goody.”  But even then, she couldn’t believe her ears.   She actually even finally said, “Wow.  I can’t believe what I’m hearing.”  Nothing like a bunch of Disney employees helping a Dutch person realize America isn’t the sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows land so many Americans like to think it is (NOTE: we certainly were NOT implying China is a paradise, or any better, on the whole, by any stretch of the imagination.  But compared to Holland….)

BTW, I dropped 64 quai on an “American style” breakfast at Johnny Moo’s coz I SO miss real breakfast food.  At our hotel, the buffet consists of pot stickers, chow mein style noodles, “grain crops” (sometimes potatoes, but usually sad corn or sweet potatoes), steamed buns (actually good), steamed pork buns, some kind of porridge/gruel, seaweed and/or fish soup, bread/toast, mini sweet breads (good), and “fried twisted dough sticks” (good).  Then there’s always watermelon.  I swear I have eaten more watermelon in the past three weeks than I have in the past twenty years.  And I am not exaggerating by any stretch of the imagination.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, but still interesting.  Oh, and of course the hot Tang.  Mmmmm, hot Tang.

BIG NEWS: Someone in China was murdered the other day!  It was all anyone could talk about at the center.  I was trying to figure out why, when I did a little research and discovered that the murder rate in the U.S. is nearly 500% that of China’s.  In fact, even though the population of China is more than four times that of the U.S., the NUMBER of murders in the U.S. still exceeds China’s.  Fun fact: nearly one out of every five people in the world live in China.

One thing that’s been interesting, and actually a bit of a relief, is how very profane most Disney “cast members” are when they’re not “performing.”  My new friend Lauren in our group used to work at Disney World and she said she was “pleasantly surprised” that there were actually co-workers who used the word “fuck” more than she did!  LOL.  I admit I responded to Lauren’s claim with skepticism until I started talking to some of the Disney folks here.  I feel right at home! 

Although it’s still sort of odd to think of myself as a “Disney cast member.”  :)

Actually, what’s fun is being able to vent/say stuff to the kids in English, quickly, that you know they won’t understand.  While, in general, the kids here are MUCH better behaved than their U.S. counterparts, and are almost uniformly and unbelievably cute, they still, on occasion, act like brats.  Today in class, I was getting a little fed up with one little otherwise well-behaved little boy’s antics, so I smiled brightly at him and said, “Ming Ming, if you don’t stop, I’m going to cut you.”  He smiled brightly right back at me and sat obediently in his chair. 

Here’s an arena in which China surpasses America: Mirror Technology!  I took a rare hot shower the other day and as I stepped out of the shower and in front of the bathroom mirror, I found it all fogged up, EXCEPT for a nice, neat 2’ X 2’ rectangle squarely in the middle of the mirror.  After thinking, “Cool!” I immediately wondered why they didn’t just make the whole effing mirror like that, but then realized it’s probably pretty expensive.

Another cool thing (literally): some of the metro trains in Shanghai use the motion/energy of the moving metro cars to power the A/C.  And I was wondering why the A/C seemed to work better/blow harder while we were in motion.  Doi!

So after Lauren’s housewarming party last week, I went with her and Mindy to a Thai place right downstairs.  Luckily, I’ve had my share of good, hot/spicy Thai food, but these poor Southern girls (Mindy is from Dallas, Lauren from Ft. Lauderdale) were NOT prepared for a little Thai spice!  They were both choking and gasping and hating on me for pointing out that they had probably “dialed it back” a bit for us whiteys.  To be fair, it was probably still at about a high level 3/low 4 on the SF Thai 1-5 scale, and I usually ordered at level 4 (5 if I had a cold).  I pictured the staff hiding behind the curtain and giggling at the yellow haired girls gasping and begging for more lemon water.

Speaking of food, I actually had “oily fish & seaweed” soup the other day with my fried rice.  Baby steps.  :)

Back to Mindy from Dallas (tho she just came from a 2-year gig with Teach for America in Detroit).  Although she is not really SO very unusual looking, she DOES get a lot of stares – which is strange for Shanghai, which is crawling with expats.  Could be the yellow hair coupled with her shortness and “full figure.”  But it drives her crazy.  So she’s taken to giving a big cheery wave and big cheery “Hello!” in English to everyone that stares at her.  Some are surprised, many are still stolid and blank-faced, but a large number of them break into grins and wave back.  Some even say hello.  It’s kind of fun to watch.

She loves to do “photo bombs,” but gave it up here when she discovered that most everyone ends up WANTING her in their picture.  Others who see this then ask her to be in their pictures, too!  So she’s stopped doing it since that kind of defeats the purpose of a photo bomb.  Poor Mindy.

So it turns out the only chubby people here are kids.  Try to guess why?  Just try!  If you guessed, “More KFCs than in the states!” you win!  But the Chinese lose.  There’s also tons of McDonald’s, Burger Kings, and Pizza Huts.  Maybe this is America’s secret plan to defeat the Chinese.

But the older people still do their tai chi every day and group dancing/exercises all over town – my favorite is the group who dance every morning in front of the big Ashley furniture store near our hotel.  But the old couples slow dancing in the park down the street are pretty sweet, too!

Coming next week: I go out with Mindy to a gay bar and chaperone her straight date with an expat from Ghana;  deets on the hugest mall I’ve ever been in (granted, I have not been to the Mall of America); and the hotel we’re staying in ruins Simon & Garfunkel for me!