My religion can beat up your religion!

I am officially coming out. As a Cannabist. I, like untold millions of closeted, semi-closeted, or out and proud cannabists, believe that cannabis is as worthy a deity as the ones currently vying for humanity’s attention. Witness! The “worship” of Cannabis promotes peace. While it can also provide, like most religions, a crutch to help you through life’s difficult passages, unlike other religions Cannabisism does not DEMAND that you “smite thine enemies,” and it does not require you to proselytize and attempt to gain converts. Cannabists believe in sharing the gospel of Cannabis, make no mistake; but at the same time, we happy souls are more than fine with sharing only with those who wish to willingly partake in the joy and wisdom inherent in Cannabis worship. Just don’t harsh our buzz (i.e., interrupt our prayers). Unlike other religions, Cannabisism doesn’t try to make you feel like shit in this life so that you have to constantly beg forgiveness or feel guilty about the Easter Bunny dying for your sins or whatever. In fact, the worship of Cannabis leads to most everything seeming wonderful. Music is better. Games are more fun. You don’t hate the world so much. Movies are more entertaining. You have TONS more patience with unruly or bratty children. You don’t feel the need to kill, or hate, or judge (okay, maybe the last one – but only in amusing contexts, like sniggering judgmentally over what “trash” Kourtney Kardashian is compared to Kim). Cannabisism is superior to other religions in that there are very few RULES. Like, again, no smiting. Of course, most Cannabists adhere to the “basics” from most world religions (don’t lie, cheat, steal, or kill, etc.), but we’re totally fine with you shaving your beard, women showing their faces, wearing a polyester blend with a cotton denim vest over it—just don’t expect us to not laugh. And as far as who you want to love, knock yourself out. Altho, unlike Christians, most Cannabists are not too keen on the idea of bestiality. (Yes, that’s somewhere in the Old Testament….the book of Deuteronomy or Madonna or something….oh, oops, the book of Madonna will be in the 29th century version of the King James Bible; my bad). As some of you may be aware, like many other religions, there are “sects” of Cannabisism. Some swear by the Kush sect, while others promote Maui Wowie. Some are Indica freaks while others swear by Sativa. But the good thing about Cannabisism is that you can move freely between sects, depending on your mood, and you will still feel rewarded by your communion. Also like other religions, people are either Orthodox/hardcore Cannabists while others are only “weekend Cannabists.” Again, whatever is your bag, man, you are FREE to CHOOSE! Finally, and again like some other religions, how you choose to worship is up to you, and when you need to lean on its saving graces, Cannabis is there to serve YOU. If it’s a joint before bed to help with insomnia, or a brownie after chemo to keep you from puking and to help get you to eat. Maybe it’s a vaporizer to help with arthritis pain in the morning. Whatever the need, whatever your preferences, Cannabis is there to help you. With no judgment. With no hate. And with none of the harmful side effects of the drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol that your other religion’s folks use thanks to Satan! (Good news, BTW: there is NO Satan in Cannabisism!). I guarantee you that if everyone suddenly converted to Cannabisism—and, again, totally up to you—the world would instantly be a significantly better place to live in. Won’t you all join hands with me and not bogart the joint? Amen, brothers & sisters!